I'm so sick I can barely move. I haven't showered in days. My hair is falling out. I don't know what's happening. I don't care either. I'm finally losing weight. One of my projects seems to actually be working. I wanted to make a prosthetic eye that works, out of sheer boredom. It's actually kind of working? I tested prototypes on rats because they're easy to get my hands on. The biggest thing that seems to be going on with the tests is that it seems to be able to replay memories. It's weird. I have it wirelessly connected to my PC and it's like, showing things the rat is seeing but then if a memory is triggered it will show that memory? It's odd. I want to play around with it more. The biggest issue it's having right now is that it constantly produces a weird black goop

I need to get out of this town

I hate Biloxi. I hate Mississippi in general. Everyone here looks and talks the same and they all lie and just want to hurt you. No one here has been able to help me at all. Don't you see I need help? Can't you tell? One more year until I can stop attending that stupid church school and actually try to heal. Maybe I should do something. Something meaningful. But that's too much effort. No one in this place would care enough to pay attention. No one online would either. Why does everyone pretend to care? I'm a burden. I just bring pain to everyone. If they stopped paying attention to me, they wouldn't have to deal with so much pain constantly.

I just want a mother who wants to hug me. A mother who loves me because she wants to. Is that too much to ask for.

No one has ever cared about me the way I want to be cared about. I doubt anyone ever will. I'm nothing more than what I am. I'm just a lonely, sick girl who doesn't want to get better. I'm going to die soon. I need to. I can't do this anymore. Dragging something like this on for so long is unhealthy. God, please just let me die. I'm so sick. Please. Please.

I wish God would stop ignoring me.

Today at school I did my own bone replacement surgery. Something in my thigh cracked. I had to fix it. I hate hospitals so I did it myself in the bathroom. It hurt. Putting in the stitches hurt less than the injury and surgery, so that's good. I need to get my hands on some morphine.

I've been feeling like him recently I can barely move at all. I've been bedridden. Medication isn't helping. It never does. I wish the doctors would fucking understand that lol

I'm glad one of my projects is actually going well
Today I got out of bed and finally showered. I fell asleep in the shower but I finally got all the mats out of my hair