i'm
Feeling a new feeling today. I need to do something more. today I went outside and sat in the grass while it rained. I was picking flowers off of an azalea bush. I got so frustrated with myself that, when I buried my face in my hands, I accidentally dug my fingernails into my forehead so hard that I drew blood. It was like a weird stigmata. But I'm not the son of God.

but i have found out who is

I got sick recently. So I'm self isolating. I've been coughing up flowers, they're scratching my throat. It hurts a lot, so I'm self isolating. I don't want anyone else to catch it. I locked myself in my room and pulled all my curtains shut and turned off all social media. No one can catch it know. I'll heal in here. No one can help me and no one should have to.

I think I've been eating too much. Am I gaining weight? Did you know? Belly fat is just liver fat spilling over. To combat this, you can mix some apple cider vinegar into the water you drink. Drink 3 cups of water a day, with apple cider vinegar mixed in, and you'll look just like all the models. Or you could just stop eating so much. I need to stop eating. But hunger hurts. I don't know what to do. I'm ruining everything

Is it normal to, in self isolation, feel less lonely than you typically do?
I might dye my hair

After 3 days of self isolation I think I want to start a religion. I wonder if Raine thinks I killed myself yet. God knows I might. I kill everything I fucking touch.

last night i saw a funny guy in my dream so i drew him

if you're reading this and think i'm fucking stupid i am

I need to stop caring. I need a lobotomy. I need to burn off my fingertips. I need to go fucking crazy. I can't live like this anymore. My lungs ache and my eyes burn. I've been crying non stop for two whole days. I need to get a fucking grip.

I wonder what they're doing without me today

No. No. No. No. I need to stop caring., Today I gave myself a tattoo. i found my sister's tattoo gun and went crazy. Not too crazy. Just a zero, the kind with the line through it. I like it a lot. My stomach hurts a lot. I think I'm dying. I kind of hope I am.
I should rip out my innards

My jaw hurts so much and my stomach and head are killing me I just want to sleep I just want to be asleep forever.

I'm realizing none of them match the images I have of them in my head.

Allison never sympathized with my pain like she said did she

I am nothing but a god to them. Nothing. Being god is dehumanizing. I want to kill myself. I want to kill myself. I want to be asleep. I want to sleep why won't you let me sleep. My room is so dark. I threw my vape and phone in a lake yesterday. I just don't care anymore. I can't care. If I were born again, I'd want it to be somewhere else. I'd want a different life. I'd want to meet the same people, but I really wouldn't either. I want a fresh restart. I want to kill myself and be reborn as my real self. This isn't who I'm meant to be.

This isn't what I'm meant to be.

I'm like a rabid dog of a person. I'm unpredictable. I drive people away. No one cares for me like how I want to be cared for and that's no one's fault but my own. I am a deeply flawed person. People love me for all the wrong reasons. I need to kill myself. I need to erase my existence forever. The internet is a graveyard and this web-site is my mausoleum. I don't want to apologize to anyone. I don't owe anyone apologies. They're meaningless. I just need to be gone. I need to be gone forever. I want to be cradled in the arms of a mother who cares for me. My mother never wanted me. She never carried me, she never nurtured me, she never hugged me, she never looked me in the eye. I am an ugly stain on this town. One that you can't wash out with even bleach. I need to be cut out, something new sewn over me.
The sky is brighter than it ever has been tonight. I can see so much. Maybe I'll go there when I die.

I had a dream last night that I ran away and joined the circus. It was so beautiful. I was so pretty. I've always loved the circus. I was a clown, I think. I liked it a lot. The lights were so beautiful. All my friends were cheering me on. One day, I want to go to the circus again. I don't know if it will be in this life. Maybe the next. I'd like the circus a lot more than I like this.
Raine has been dming me constantly but I don't want to answer. I don't want to talk to him. What if I end up hurting him? I don't want to hurt him. He's been nothing but kind to me. Sometimes I think he really does love me for who I am. But that's not right. I don't want that. I don't love him, I can't. He's nothing to me. Everybody is nothing to me. I want to escape from it all. I want to go away and live deep in the woods of Maine all alone. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to die.

it's like you don't want me to get better

humanity is not inherently evil. otherwise god would have wiped us out a long time ago. There is good in us all. I just can't seem to find the good in me. It's so far away. How can you love someone so unlovable?