i miss listening to the numbers

I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure. I want to be pure.

Nothing good ever comes of stuff I make. I've been trying to make stuff again. Nothing ever works. Nothing ever works. I thought I knew how to do this. I thought I was good at this. Why can't I just be happy?

my throat has been feeling full recently. i don't know how else to describe it

I need to vomit. i feel sick. I need to vomit but I can't. There's nothing in there. I'm just making it up. I'm not really sick. That's what mom said. I hope whatever illness I have kills me so I can prove her wrong. Why did you give birth to me if you're just going to hate me? I think you should kill yourself. But not before you kill me. I want you to experience the grief of your daughter's death before you die. I want you to be unable to rest knowing you caused my death. I want my blood on your hands.

At least Raine understands me.

I've been coughing up rose petals recently.

I decided to trash my room today. I accidentally injured myself multiple times during it. There's a huge gash in my arm and a couple on my legs and stomach. It's okay though. My mom deserves it. I think I want to dye my hair. Too bad I trashed my room before I had that thought. I actually knew where my hair dye was a few hours ago. A few days ago, I wanted to see the ocean. I went into the water and started walking until I was submerged completely. It took a few minutes, but the lifeguards did find me. I don't feel bad. I just wanted to see what it felt like. Having something in your lungs that isn't gross vape oils or flower petals for once. Maybe I should get hooked on cigarettes. I know my sister has some. Maybe next month.

I've been playing Stardew Valley a lot. It's helping. But this guy named Andrew keeps finding me on every social media. I think I should video call him and shoot myself in the skull and change the direction of his life forever. Anyways, my Stardew farm is coming along nicely. I'm trying to marry Penny. She's cute. She'd be a good wife, I think. I don't know a lot about romance. I've been told I'm very romantic when talking with others, but I don't see it. People like being treated kindly, right? That's all it is. I don't have any interest in sucking tongues or any of that. I just like companionship.

It reminds me of the time I got arrested for vandalising the local church. "Anchor Church of God of Prophecy". Stupid. In 2011 it changed to "North Star's Guidance Church". Bought out by another company i guess. My mother forced us to go to every mass. She still does. It makes me want to die. I hate it. I vandalised one of the outside walls, spray painted a big zero with a line through it and some words about god being dead. I got caught and arrested by some asshole cops and I had to stay in the police station all night before mom came to get me. Mom decided normal punishments weren't enough that day so after beating me within an inch of my life she locked me in the upstairs bathroom. To teach her a lesson I flushed all our medications down the toilet.

She used to hit me with a flyswatter. Then we graduated to hands and shoes. She's started choking me recently. I hope she kills me.